I feel gross. I feel dirty. I feel disgusting. 

I think I cried last night but I’m not sure. He was supposed to take me home. But instead, I ended up sleeping in my bed alone, a drunk mess.

Fuck you, alcohol.

Ever since I moved to Chengdu my freshman year, I have been counting down to the time I will leave the gray over-populated and over-polluted city. But right now, I’m dreading leaving behind the 3 kuai green teas, late night shaokao, clubbing without being carded, and the 7 kuai pirated DVDs. But most importantly, I don’t know how I will leave my friends, with whom I have so many “remember when” stories and unfolded memories.

I watched the last episode of Glee just because I ran out of TV shows to watch. They were graduating. I cried the entire episode when I realized that I will have to leave behind my friends and people who are close to me. I cried when they got their diplomas. I cried when they said goodbye to teachers and friends. I just cried.

Fuck you, Glee. Now you got me feeling emotional. 

I’m walking on little fluffy clouds of carelessness, hope and frivolity. Because right now, everything seems so irrelevant. So unnecessary. So far away.

I just feel happy. I feel beautiful. I feel smart. Why? Because he treats me like I’m a prized commodity. A jewel waiting to be conquered and won. A woman who is waiting to be swept off her feet.

When I lie next to him, cuddled up, skin to skin, body to body, I feel so complete. I feel alive. And at the end of the night, when the lust is worn off and exhaustion begins to sweep over, our hushed voices and soft kisses remain.

As I wait for him to make me my Irish coffee, I think about how warm I feel laying in his bed hearing music in the background. And all my worry disappears.